When the clitoris doesn’t work

Not everyone loves having their clitoris touch. In this episode, we hear from a listener who has a specific list of dos & don’ts – when it comes to sexual pleasure. We explore different types of orgasms and pathways to pleasure beyond the clit.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

When the clitoris doesn’t work

Participant #1:
You’re listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. I’m your cohost, brad Brandon. We’re here with my lovely other half of Dr. Jess. Hello. Today we are answering one of your questions about the clitoris and orgasm, and I’m going to dive right into it. It’s a bit of a long question, but hopefully we’ll have a fairly succinct answer for you. All right. This person writes in to say, I am a female in my early thirty s and finally settling into a safe, long term relationship. He is an amazing partner, but currently our intimacy is on some sort of a pause. He has a pretty active sexual history, past partners, but in terms of variety, he’s pretty limited. This has posed a problem for us as it’s difficult for him to understand my list of sex do’s and don’ts. I know that sounds horrible that I even have a list. No, it doesn’t. But I find that this is the only way I can enjoy the moment. Number one, no direct clip play. Number two limit nipple play. These two are without a doubt the most confusing. They both feel great to me at first, but I find myself literally going into sort of a system overload within minutes. From there, I’m no longer interested in the rest of the romp. No more touching, nothing. I’m just learning this about myself. So I’m finding it hard to communicate to him without him feeling like he isn’t doing it right, particularly because this is what he’s used to. We do have open discussions about our sexual preferences, but this one is a mystery. I’m even at the point where if this is an orgasm, I can firmly say that I hate it. This has created serious bedroom anxiety for both of us. And then she asks, is this common? Is this a thing? How can I strike a balance where he isn’t under so much pressure? And I’m calling out instructions. How can I experience another type of orgasm? I am so grateful that you wrote in to share your story because the short answer is that you’re totally normal.

So many people aboard having their clitoral, head and nipples directly stimulated, especially as arousal builds, because these highly sensitive, highly innovated erectile zones just become too sensitive. And in our conversations around not jamming things in the box and doing more than jack hammering, there has become so much focus on hey, stimulate the clit. But what we need to emphasize is that the external head of the clitoris is only the tip of the iceberg. When you vibe, when you lick, when you touch, when you suck, flick, rub against it, it can actually feel like too much, just as it would if you did those things over and over again to the very tip of the penis because they’re homologous. So overstimulating the head, so the external part the little round part that sticks out at the top can actually be annoying and it can quash desire and arousal. So it doesn’t sound to me like you’re having an orgasm. It sounds like you’re getting really aroused, but then that hyper focus on the head of the clip or on the nipples is just too much for you. And of course, everybody is different, right? Some people don’t like genital play at all. And I don’t think it’s a matter of having a list of here’s to dos and two don’ts as much as it is about learning what you like, right? So people will find that the head of the platoon actually retracts back underneath the foreskin as you become more and more aroused because it gets so, so sensitive. Now, when you say you don’t like your clip played with, I’m assuming you mean the head of your clip. I’m wondering if you could still enjoy corollary stimulation of the internal clitoris. So when you rub the lips on the outside, you can stimulate the bulbs and the legs of the clitoris on the inside because that’s all erectile tissue. So you can probably still explore those other parts of the clip, whatever you call them, like it doesn’t matter how you address them, and play with all different types of orgasm. And of course, it doesn’t have to be the clitoris. So in terms of other types of orgasms, you have so many options. I’ve just kind of jotted down 13, I don’t know, 13 random number there that we can go through. So first and foremost, you might like stimulation of the GZone. So we have a whole podcast on the GZone that you can go back and listen to. If you curl your fingers into the vaginal canal and curl up toward the tummy wall, you’re going to feel that area that is part of the urethral sponge pressing into the vaginal canal. So up toward the tummy, toward the belly button, but obviously not that far in and it feels a little bit more ridgelike and textured. So you might like stimulation of that area more than the clitoris, especially as you become aroused. Now some people will actually say that the GZone is an extension of the clutores, but I’m pretty sure what you’re talking about is the clitoral head. So that’s one option is to play with the Gspot. The WeVibe Rave is a really great product for that because it has these nice ridges. It’s asymmetrical. You kind of can’t miss the Gspot with the WeVibe Rave. So you can check that out@wevibe.com. And I have a very small discount code, Doctor Jess, but it’s still worth using because every dollar is worth it for me. Number two, you might enjoy just rubbing the length of the vulva instead of focusing on the head. So cupping your hand or having them cup their hand all around the lips or cupping their mouth all around it, sucking the entire vulva can feel really good again.

People get really hung up on that clitoral head at the top, right? I always have to remind people, it’s not a doorbell, it’s not a DJ booth, it’s not an elevator button. You don’t need to just focus on that little spot. But instead, if your partner would open his entire mouth around your vulva and just twirl his tongue around that perimeter and suck, that can feel really good. You might also find, and this is quite common, you might prefer indirect stimulation and grinding. And there are many of us who are like this. Once we get really aroused, you might want to use a sheet or a T shirt in between your skin. You know that I often reach for a shirt because it just gets too sensitive to have skin to skin contact. But you might still really like the pressure through a piece of material. That’s another option. You might just like straight in and out penetration, right? And I do think in a lot of our sex education, we’re trying to teach people that, hey, you can do more than just shove things in and out of the vagina. But I don’t want to discount that. If you’re a person who likes things shoved in and out of the vagina, that’s perfectly fine. Like, you’re not broken. Your body is perfect the way it is. If it feels good for you, do it. You could also explore anal play, of course, and you can have some internal stimulation corollary of the vaginal canal through the anus. It could be on the outside, or you can do the penetration thing and we have a whole podcast on anal you can go back to. You might also prefer more of a pulsing rhythm than something that’s more firm or sustained, or something like a sustained vibration. You might like a toy or a hand that kind of pulses all around the area. And with all of these, I think my best piece of advice is to masturbate and try all of them. Not all at once. Like, just got 13 here. Take one at a time and see what feels good for you. And it will probably change from day to day. It may change with your cycle, it may change with your mood, but you have all of these options. And oftentimes the easiest way to discover what you enjoy in your body is to do it on your own, as opposed to doing it with a partner. You might also prefer to ride and grind on top, so you’re kind of rocking back and forth so that you’re getting that feeling of fullness. You’re getting the penetration, you’re probably getting some tug around the clitoris just from the penis being inside of you, but you’re not getting that pressure directly on the clit. Another option is running water. So people who find that they have a really sensitive clitoral head sometimes prefer to play with something that feels a little bit lighter, but still plays with temperature and texture and movement. And so the running water of faucet or of a shower head can be really fun. You mentioned that you don’t really like nipple play, but for other people, you can certainly have orgasms from your breasts, from your nipples, from playing all around there. I’m definitely going to recommend a full body exploration because you can have orgasms from so many different parts of your body. So if you can have your partner touch you from head to toe as slowly as they possibly can, covering every single inch, awakening every single nerve ending, drawing circulation to every square millimeter of your body, using their fingertips, using their breath, using their lips, using the tip of their nose, using the backs of their hands, using their cheeks, all that jazz. They can take their time. And you’re probably going to discover new erogenous zones as well as new pathways to pleasure and orgasm. And then I’m also going to suggest that regardless of what you’re doing physically, to experiment a little bit with the emotional side. Dirty Talk with Fantasy I’m pretty sure you’ve already listened to the Core Erotic Feeling and Elevated Erotic Feelings podcasts, but if you haven’t, please go back and have a listen to those ones. Because sex is an emotional experience. Like every human interaction, it is emotional, perhaps more than it is physical. So once you can kind of tap into how you want to feel, then you can teach your partner or you can do it yourself how to kind of weave fantasies and talk sexy to you. And then I’m also going to recommend, and this is a big topic and we have lots of many podcasts on this topic, a little bit of kink and BDSM to kind of play with different approaches to sexual pleasure.

So whether that’s playing with more firm touch or experimenting with pain, or playing with bondage, or playing with dominance and submission, or a little bit of discipline, I think all of these explorations are going to be really fun and great learning opportunities for you and your partner. And I wouldn’t be too worried about orgasm. Like if you orgasm, you orgasm. If you don’t, you don’t. Because you’re asking if your experience was an orgasm. I’m wondering if you’ve had an orgasm on your own. And if you haven’t, you definitely want to start experimenting. And please go back and listen to the episodes on how to learn to orgasm, how to give a partner an orgasm, even though they don’t really give it to you. You’ve got to let your body go. But there are so many different pathways to orgasm and I just want you to know that you are normal and I’m sure you’re really writing in with this question is probably validating so many other people’s experiences. I will say in terms of toys for people who don’t like a direct stimulation of the clitoris, of course you can play with internal toys, but many people like a wider, flatter, broader toy that kind of covers the entire vulva instead of pinpointing against the head of the clip. So there’s one, I don’t know if they’re even still making this one, but it’s called the We Vibe Wish. If you can get the We Vibe Wish, go on their site and get it now. I should actually just log on and see if they even have it, because it’s such a great toy. It’s sort of the shape of a computer mouse, but a little bit wider, and it’s got this really nice, silky smooth silicone that’s kind of plush. I’m a huge fan of it, but I know that they were selling out. But you can check out the We Vibe Wish, or a wand is a really good idea. Any wand can feel really good. A wand might be a bit too powerful, but what I like about it is that it covers a broader area, and a lot of people who find that the clitoral head is really sensitive are more inclined toward it. The clutoral toys, like the womanizer, even though they pinpoint the head of the clip, a lot of people do like it because they encircle the head of the clip. So it’s not actually physically contacting the clip, it’s just kind of sitting around it. And it comes with different sizes of heads. So if you like a little less physical, direct physical contact, you can actually just use a larger head. And I just pulled up the Weebly wish. I do see it on their website, at least for some reason. I’m on the European one. I’m dreaming I’m in Europe, even though I’m not at this very moment. So do check out those options for broader toys. And I wouldn’t discount the clitoral. I don’t want to call them section toys, the pleasure air toys either. I wouldn’t discount them because they have the wider head and can feel really good. But again, you know your body best. Do what feels good for you. Take the time to learn. Brandon. I hugged it all. Do you have anything to say? No. I feel like you’ve pretty much summarized everything, but I think just learning on your own, I find that’s the best way I figured out on my own body. And it’s hard to when most people orgasm in a specific way and we don’t we think something is wrong. Like, I hear from guys who don’t like blowjobs and they’re like, oh, my God, there’s something wrong with me. No, if you don’t like it, you don’t like it, right? It’s like food. So many people love lobster or caviar as a delicacy or chocolate, and there are people who don’t like it. They’re not broken. We create these value judgments that we attach to sexual preferences and desires and proclivities that we don’t attach to other preferences, desires and proclivities in other areas of life. Yeah, I agree with you. I mean, you might be weird because you don’t like chocolate. I’m just kidding. No, I have a cousin and an aunt who don’t like chocolate. Interesting. I’m not judging them. I swear. No.

One of my favorites. I like to just hang out with them because then I get to have it. That’s exactly it. Every time my auntie, I can say she’s not going to mind. My auntie gay. Whenever she gets chocolate for Christmas, she stays there for us. Nice. It’s a win. Yeah, absolutely. Well, thank you again for writing and thank you for joining us. Thanks for sticking with us through our summer quickies. I am offering a discount, a deep discount, on my website, on my Mindful Sex course, which actually, I think very much applies to this situation. But I really believe that mindful sex practices can benefit every single one of us. All genders, all sexual orientations, all bodies. It is really about just learning to be more in the moment, not just in bed, but in life. The first part of the course really just covers mindfulness more generally, from breath to visualizations to emotional presence. And then we get into some of the nonsexual touch activities before we actually get to the ones that involve the genitals. But if you play with mindful sex, you can do so much with full body orgasms, with multiple orgasms, with more ecstatic orgasms. And also you just kind of feel better in life when you’re more present. And I could revisit some of these exercises. Certainly those courses are@happiercouples.com use codepodcast to save 25%. Please do check it out. I hope that you love them. I’m pretty happy with this course. So happyyourcouples.com. Mindful sex. 25% off with Code Podcast thank you for being here. Thanks for chatting, babe, even though I didn’t let you all good. I was just sitting here taking notes. Wherever you’re at, have a great one. You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life. Improve your life.

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