Sexual Communication Tips: Erection Loss, Libido Issues, & Pressure

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Jess & Brandon answer listener questions related to erection loss, anxiety, libido, social norms and how to start difficult conversations.

This episode is brought to you by Lovehoney. They’re having a summer sale and you can save a little extra with code DRJESS10!

Here is a sampling of the questions we address:

#1. My partner is able to get and retain a really bangin’ erection and can reliably orgasm during any type of penile stimulation (hand jobs, oral, even just putting lube on my body and rubbing himself back and forth on me), but he quickly and consistently loses his erection during penetration. The only time he is able to maintain an erection during PIV sex is in roleplay situations where I’m pretending to be someone other than myself.

Logically I know this issue isn’t caused by anything I’m doing or not doing. We also have an amazing relationship and a strong emotional connection. But as this continues to happen it’s starting to erode my self esteem–a nagging voice tells me that he’s bored of having sex with me and doesn’t want to make the effort unless I jump through hoops to make it extra exciting for him. I’m wondering what exactly is really going on here, how I can bring this up to him without making him feel like there’s something wrong with him, (I don’t want to make the problem worse by adding extra anxiety to him), and what we can do to help him maintain his erection during PIV sex.

#2. Hi Dr.Jess, I’ve been listening to your podcast for a couple months now and I have a question dating focused: do you think leagues are a thing? Like when someone says “they’re out of their league” or “dating or marrying up” or “you’re a 5 and they’re a 10”. Although sometimes this refers to socioeconomic divides in terms of education, income rather than just physical attractiveness alone. But I wanted to know your thoughts on how you think these divides can be overcome as I hear this enough or have seen it sometimes get in the way of my friends’ relationship.

#3. Firstly thank you for all you do. Your podcast is a huge source of comfort, inspiration and knowledge for me and I am excited every Friday to listen!

I’m 27, my boyfriend is 26. We’ve been together for 7 months. He recently told me that he fantasizes about being dominated. Other than the occasional light choke or spank, I have not taken on that role before. I tend to prefer to be dominated, too, so while I’m happy to try it out, I am unsure how to begin and how to feel confident doing so.

Separately, we are working on our communication in sex but I still struggle with initiating sex and talking about it for fear of rejection or being humiliated. I’ve been feeling like I want sex more than him but, because I don’t know how to start it, I end up waiting for him to be in the mood. I end up feeling unattractive, like I’m unable to seduce my boyfriend. Even though logically I know that he sometimes might just be tired or not in the mood, and that’s OK. Last week, after months of my internal agonizing, he brought up the subject and asked how I would describe my libido. He told me his was “changeable” and that sometimes he can tell I’m trying to make it happen but he just doesn’t feel like it. He suggested I try telling him that I want him and that can sometimes get him in the mood, too. I now feel pressure to assert myself in a way I feel uncomfortable doing. I feel very vulnerable stating that I want sex, especially since I know that if he wanted it he would have initiated it already!

I told him once that I felt the patriarchy made me less sexually assertive, because woman are taught to be passive, and he told me to stop blaming my problems on external factors. Any advice on both of these topics would be VERY much appreciated!

#4. My wife and I been married for 14 years and now we have a problems in our romantic  relationship, a friend of mine suggested that we go into the lifestyle, my wife is little hesitant. Based on your experience and people aground you what should we do ?

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