Men want consent too… – Guest Blog by The Kinky Koach

Double Date Nation - Men want consent too… - Guest Blog by The Kinky KoachDouble Date Nation - Men want consent too… - Guest Blog by The Kinky Koach

Guest Blog: Men want consent too…

Author: The Kinky Koach

 

Consent (verb) : to give assent or approval :
Ex: ‘AGREE consent to being tested or She consented to our request.’
Archaic : to be in concord in opinion or sentiment

Consent is an interesting word, broken down it means to give permission or receive an agreement. Interestingly enough it is made up of two words; con meaning to persuade, and sent- meaning delivered. It is here within the two words I would like to speak from, I mean let’s be real, to deliver a persuasion most certainly doesn’t sound like a fair agreement or understood permission to me.
When I started in the Lifestyle (LS) back in 1997, consent was exactly as it was defined regardless of gender, status, setting, etc… You absolutely did not touch a person(s) without their permission and in most cases without their partner’s consent. I have lived within the LS since then as a couple, a single man, and in a throuple. Never have myself, or any of my partners, ever found it acceptable to touch or be touched without permission.

I explain my journey and experience because what comes next is both disturbing and disappointing to me. When Stephanie and I first discussed getting into the LS together she had many concerns about consent and her version of what men where allowed or not allowed to do. I explained to her that consent in the LS is not only practiced, but demanded and followed with the upmost respect. The first couple experiences were just that, everyone asked or gave consent, and communication was well rounded. Our next two experiences went a little like this…
We were at a meet n greet standing around at a public venue outside talking, when an older women in our group walked up to me and started grabbing my chest trying to unbutton my shirt telling me I was much too sexy to be dressed. Now while I don’t mind flirting and compliments I’m a bit old fashion in that I expect you to treat me with the same respect I provide to you. This woman had not yet met us, nor even spoken to either of us until that moment. I stepped back, asked her to stop touching me and said “excuse me, but I don’t know you nor do I remember given you permission to touch me”. The woman laughed and stated “oh hun, I’m a lady I can do whatever I want”. At this point I asked her to not touch me again and Stephanie and I excused us. Normally I would have assumed this would have been an isolated incident and the actions of one person, but what followed was very disappointing. I had both men and women approach me asking if I indeed told this woman to stop touching me, which I confirmed, and the looks and responses I received were that of shock, disappointment and almost an attempt to shame me. Further, the majority that approached me seemed to try and shame me proclaiming I’m a man and women have free reign to do what they want. Naturally I rebutted, and stood up for both myself and person, and as a partner to Stephanie.

About a month later on another occasion we were, we were hosting a party at a LS club. During this night I had a couple men and myself talking about day to day things when some women walked up to the four of us and starting trying to fondle us without even an introduction or flirtatious gesture to start with. I had the same response as the previous situation and again I found myself being challenged in the same way with the same or similar rebuttals that women have free reign to do as they wish. Again I found myself challenging these individuals and demanding the respect me and my partner or to please remove themselves from my area.

Both these situations got me thinking, how the LS changed its view point on consent? Does the LS really believe that consent only applies to men as users and not receivers?! So I decided to partake in my own self-study of sorts and watch, scribe, and put into numbers the amount of times I was touched inappropriately without consent and the number of times I watched others go through the same thing over the next 3 functions we attended or hosted. I was shocked that out of 3 events all 3 times I had women doing and partaking in the same behavior as before with the same or similar response when challenged. Additionally, I saw about 10% of other participants go through the same scenarios as I did.
Let me state that this overall short experiment of mine is of my own experiences and in no way am I saying I speak for the LS or saying the majority of the LS behaves in this fashion; however I can say it does happen. This experience and short test of mine has driven me to be more hands off, and even on guard for myself and my lovely queen. Consent is not a delivered persuasion that one must take on regardless of their own desire or lack of. Consent is permission given and should always be adhered to regardless of gender, status, setting, or alcohol intake.

Now obviously I not saying that if you’re familiar with a person(s) that you need to give or ask consent each time your touched if there’s blanket consent. I do say this though; regardless of my gender or sexuality, because I’m sure some will read this as an attack. You should never touch a person without their permission, ever! Regardless of how they identify or what is between their legs.

Written by:
Craig Chacon BS,SEC,SAVI,CIS
The Kinky Koach | Co-Owner
Certified Relationship, Sex, and Crisis Int Specialist
NAEMT#E3257633, TCOLE#484558, CIS#1850

Reference:
1. Key Search Term ‘Define Consent’: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/consent

 

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