How do I give my partner an orgasm?

From physical techniques to setting the scene and riling them up, Dr. Jess shares tips, strategies, and approaches to pleasure and orgasm. Be sure to shop WeVibe.com with code DRJESS for 15% off all toys including the We-Vibe TouchX, Nova 2 & the beautiful Melt.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

How do I give my partner an orgasm?

Participant #1:
You’re listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.

Participant #1:
Hey, this is the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Am. Jess O’Reilly sexologist. And I am totally too on my own today. Brandon is off at work making up for lost time because we have both just returned from a couple of weeks on the road over in Europe. So we were hosting two couples retreats together, and then we were on board the Desire clothing optional couple’s crews also hosting workshops. And because that was really more of a work thing for me, he was away from away from the office, away from clients. And he is out making up for lost time today. So it’s just me. But I’m quite thrilled to be talking about today’s topic on my own. You will hear from my voice that I am definitely under the weather. So this is going to be a little bit of a quickie, but I think still rich in detail and hopefully useful information for everyone out there. I received a couple of different emails from two very different listeners, if I understand these emails correctly. So one is a young guy in College, and one is an older gentleman who has been with his wife for decades and decades. And I got some very specific questions about how to make your partner orgasm. And I really appreciate these questions. I’m really thankful that these two guys and many people out there are really thinking about their partner’s pleasure and really looking to prioritize their partner’s pleasure. And so the questions came in kind of similarly, even though each of their circumstances is quite different. So without reading the long letters, the first guy is in College and he’s been with his girlfriend for only a couple of months. And he doesn’t know if she’s enjoying sex. And he really just wants to know, how do I make her orgasm? And then the other guy has been with his wife for many, many decades. They really didn’t have a lot of sex when they were younger. They’re now empty nesters. And he’s looking to kick things up a notch. And he acknowledges that maybe her experience with sex hasn’t been quite as satisfying as his over the years. And he wants to change that. And he has some very specific questions about how to help out with clitoral orgasms and vaginal orgasms. So, yes, very specifically, how do I give her a clitoral orgasm? How do I give her a vaginal orgasm? And so we’re going to get into all of that. And I can feel myself actually, as I start talking that I’m a little bit out of breath from this illness I’m dealing with. And I’m sure, of course, millions of people around the world have been sick over the last couple of years. So many of you out there know what I’m feeling. So I will try and keep my breath up and keep my voice up for this conversation.

So let’s start with from the very beginning, the College guy wants to know how do I make her orgasm? And so that’s a big, big question. And again, I’m so glad you’re asking it, but I’m going to break it down into some components while also acknowledging that I don’t have all the answers. These are just kind of ideas to get you started. The first piece is really think about kind of setting the mood and talking about foreplay and what she needs to relax. Because I would see most people, regardless of genitals, regardless of gender, generally enjoy some sort of foreplay and build up. And of course, I’ve talked about it before. It might be the very first line in my book, my latest book. I think it’s really essential to note that there is no universal definition of foreplay. Right. One person’s version of foreplay could be another person’s main sexual event and vice versa. But if we consider foreplay, all the build up that creates and kind of leads to erotic pleasure, and I guess it’s erotic pleasure in and of itself, I’m going to suggest that you approach foreplay or the build up or setting the mood from multiple angles. So I think the obvious for most people is the physical. And then I also want you to think about the visual, the audio, the emotional, maybe also the practical and the relational. So first, the physical, I would say kind of ask yourself, what can you do to touch your lover in a way to kind of arouse their interest and create pleasure in their bodies? So most of us follow fairly standard scripts when it comes to building desire, approaching sex. Like, there’s a lot of kind of kissing, maybe touching certain parts of the body, the breast, reaching between the legs, maybe grabbing the butt. But the whole body is your Wonderland. So I want you to think about how can you create pleasure throughout the body? And the person who’s best equipped to answer this question is your partner. So in this case, your girlfriend asked her how do you like to be touched? Or give her options, like kind of run the backs of your fingers down the back of her neck, gently ask her, do you like this or do you like that? And that might be an alternative, like kind of, I don’t know, kissing and sucking on the side of her neck and maybe she’ll say she likes both. But if you can look at all the different ways to physically stimulate your partner and we have previous episodes on different erotic touch techniques. We have an episode on The Ultimate Guide to Kissing. We have episodes where we discuss different oral techniques, which I’m actually going to get to. But if you can think about so many different approaches to the physical and really just slow down and tune into your bodies and give yourselves permission and opportunity and time to enjoy yourselves and explore without the pressure of thinking, oh, I’ve got to make this person orgasm, right? I know that the question came in, how do I make her orgasm? But I think it’s important to note that you don’t really make someone orgasm. Right. You can be a part of the process, but they likely also need to embrace the sensations and the feelings, and they need to be an active part of the process. So we’re starting with the physical. And then I also want you to think of the visual during the buildup. Right.

What can you do to visually Pique your lover’s interest? What sites aroused them? Is it candlelight? Is it the site of your body? Is it something in between? Is it the way you look at them? Is it like playful eye contact? What is it that they can enjoy that is visual? And then the audio? What sounds put them in the mood? What words do they like to hear? What music helps to set the mood? Does it help to, for example, plug in a white noise machine so that your roommates can’t hear you or so that you don’t hear noises in the next room? So really thinking about all these different senses. And then once you’ve kind of thought a little bit about the physical, the visual, the audio, I also want to encourage you to go back to the emotional. How do they need to feel to get in the mood for a sex? How do they want to feel during the build up? How do they want to feel during kind of the main event? How do they want to feel right before and after orgasm? We can’t ignore the emotional side. And again, if you haven’t listened to the podcasts on Chorotic feeling and Elevated Erotic Feelings, which were just a couple of weeks ago, go back and listen to those, because the emotional underpinnings of sex are oftentimes more powerful than the physical or the visual or the audio. And then there’s another piece that I haven’t spent as much time discussing as of late, and that’s the relational. So, yeah, you want to give them an orgasm, you want to enjoy sexual pleasure, but you obviously have to be laying the groundwork within the relationship. Right? Are you feeling connected? Are you feeling close? Are they feeling safe? Are you feeling as though you can trust one another? Have you created a space where you can be vulnerable together? And I know these aren’t techniques. And sure, we can talk about some techniques in just a moment, but the techniques that can potentially build to orgasm are often really, honestly useless if you haven’t set the tone in the relational way, the emotional way, and then just the practical way. So one of the hindrances to orgasm that is most, I think, ubiquitous and powerful is stress. Right. So what stress? What distractions are they experienced in their life? What can you do to help minimize those attenuate the effects of those, eliminate some of them, help them to accept others. And what can you do? Perhaps if you can’t do anything about big picture stress, like when we think about the exhaustion of what’s going on in the world, the sad news, the brutal news, the systemic oppression, these big picture items which you can’t wave a wand to disappear, what can you do to help distract them for a couple of minutes or even a couple of hours? Right. Is it again, back to setting the mood where you close the door, you lower the lights, you play the music, maybe there’s some sensory deprivation where they get to be blindfolded. All of these elements can help to just bring them into the moment, into their bodies, and take them away from the distractions, the stress, the intensity of real life. And that’s what makes sexual pleasure, I think, so exceptional. It’s not the only type of pleasure, but I do think it’s one of the most powerful types of pleasure that take you away not only from the mundane, but also from the toxic, from the stressful, from the kind of ongoing distress that we’re all experiencing at this time and over the course of our lives. So I hope that helps just in terms of the overview of how to make someone have an orgasm with the setting, the mood, there was a series of questions that came in in these emails, and both people actually had asked about clitoral orgasms. So the older gentleman had asked, how do I give her a clitoral orgasm? And I mentioned, maybe you’re not giving it to them, but maybe you’re helping to facilitate it. But if we’re going to get into the actual physical techniques which I’ve talked about lately, I’m sure one of the big ways to help somebody bring themselves or to bring yourself to orgasm if they have a vulva, is to stroke and cup on the outside.

So I’ve talked about it so many times. The clitoris, of course, is more than that. Peasized bump at the top of the lips, the inner lips, the outer lips, those areas like the whole vulva, everything on the outside, overlies the bulbs and the shaft and the legs of the clitoris that are on the inside, not in the vagina, but inside the body. And these parts are comprised of erectile tissue. So if you rub on the lips, if you cup your hand all around the vulva really just kind of make a pocket out of it and you maybe give them some pressure there, or you pulse or you rub or you grind, that can give them the pressure they need in their groin, that can stimulate the internal complex of the clitoris in a way that is more likely to produce clitoral pleasure and perhaps orgasm. If you really want to take it to the next level, I definitely recommend using a vibrator. And if you’re going to play on the outside, a flat vibrator that kind of covers the entire length of the lips is the ticket. So I probably have talked about this toy before. My hands down favorite toy of all time, and I’ve been using it for many years is the We Vibe Touch X. So that’s the newest version of the Touch X. I’ve been using the touch, but now they’ve upgraded me. One of the perks of being a psychologist is they just keep sending you vibrators my Mailman, like, what is in this box? Vibrators after vibrator after vibrator, and then some lube and then some random stuff people send me to, like, soap shaped like a penis and soap shaped like sperm. But back to the vibrators, the We Vibe Touch X. First of all, I love the shape of it. I love the texture. It fits really nicely into the palm of your hand. The vibrations are a low rumbly sensation. You can kind of keep it on a lower setting, or you can really intensify the sensations. But even as the intensity of the vibration increases, it’s still going to be that kind of rumbling, not that high pitched vibe. And so, yeah, I’m just an absolute huge fan. We Vibe Touchex. I have a discount code for you for We Vibe. We Vibe.com. If you use Code Doctor Jeff, they’re going to give you a pretty significant discount because I emailed them just for this week. They’re going to give you 15% off. And if you know that We Vibe Toys, that 15% sale only comes I think it’s once or twice a year. I know it comes around the Black Friday time, around American Thanksgiving, but they’re giving us that code. So Dr. Jess is going to get you 15% off@wevive.com. And if you’re looking for a more affordable version because you’re not ready to indulge in that at that time, at this time, I know that everybody’s circumstances, of course, are very different. Romp also makes a really nice lay on vibe that’s similar. It’s not going to be quite as powerful, but it’s also a really great toy. So if you check out Romp Toys, that’s another option as well. But again, wevive.com Code Doctor Jess. So definitely that stroking and cupping motion, I think, is a place to start for quota orgasms and then oral. If you want to give quitoral orgasms, have oral sex. All right. We’ve talked about oral sex being the most surefire pathway to pleasure and orgasm for so many people. And so if you can just take some time again, don’t get in there and just start eating. It like you haven’t eaten in hours or days or however long you can go without food. Really take your time to build. All right, lick all around the inner thighs to build anticipation. Don’t go to the lips. Don’t go to the clip. Just lick. I call it a thigh job where you’re kind of eating out the inner thighs and then maybe stick your tongue out, press it all along her lips, and you can kind of nod your head back and forth like you’re saying no, and then nod your head up and down like you’re saying yes. So your tongue is just kind of hanging out of your mouth, open wide, flatten, and your tongue isn’t doing the work. You’re kind of moving from your head like you’re nodding instead of trying to work from your tongue, which is harder. And while you’re down there, just make sure you’re breathing deeply. You’re taking it all in. You’re enjoying yourself. You’re letting them know that you like it. You’re telling them that they taste good.

If they’re comfortable and you’re comfortable, you can kind of play with eye contact at this time, but really express how much you’re enjoying yourself. And so I’m talking specifically about clitoral orgasms now. But regardless of genitals, regardless of gender, most people like to know that you’re enjoying yourself, right? Like, nobody wants to think that you’re down there running some sort of stats or thinking about your tax return or wondering about your football pool or whatever it may be. They want to know that you’re enjoying yourself. So the more you effusively express your pleasure, the more your partner is going to get into it. And also the more likely they are to express their pleasure. So you’re down there, you’re breathing, you’re licking. Maybe you use your thumb to kind of explore all around the head of the clip while your tongue works down below. Maybe you slide your thumb very gently inside of the vagina while you kind of lick around the clip. Maybe you roll your tongue into a tube and slide it in. And as you’re building, as you can kind of feel them breathing more deeply, making more sound, perhaps their hips start to move. Then you can kind of increase the pressure and the intensity and suck a little bit. You can open your mouth really wide. Okay? Like, and you’re going to twirl your tongue around the perimeter of your mouth while you suck. So you’re kind of getting the head of the quit at the top and you’re going to follow the rhythm of their hips. You’re not going to get too hung up on technique. Just do what feels good for you. Keep the communication going so that they can show you what they like, and then probably get your face in there. So in the beginning, you’re just like licking and teasing and barely touching. But as they get more aroused, they need something to grind against. And that’s something it’s your face. So get your nose in there. Actually, if you feel the tip of your nose right now, you’ll feel that it has a really kind of unique texture to it. So use your nose against their clit, run it up and down, let them press in against your face, slide your hands under their butt, pull them into your face, stick your nose right inside of them, really kind of get into it, be enthusiastic, be patient. And again, I know that this whole topic started from a specific question about giving an orgasm, but maybe let go of that goal for a moment and just enjoy their body. And it’s an easy thing to say. And I know for many of us who are dealing with a lifelong, lifelong messages of shame, perhaps feelings of not feeling deserving, lots of selfconsciousness around our body, around sex, and around pleasure. The more you talk about sex outside the bedroom, the more you normalize it. The more you read, the more you learn, the more you listen. The more you’re open and sharing when you’re not having sex, the more likely you are to be able to relax when you actually get down to it. So, number one, stroking and cupping on the outside, a toy like the We Live Touch X. Number two, playing with different oral techniques. I had a promo on last week for the Drive Your Loverwild Mind Blowing Oralcourses on Happiercouples.com, so I’m going to extend that as well. So go check that out. That’s my site. That’s my course. Honestly, there’s so much to learn about oral, and I can walk you through all these different techniques on the courses@happiercouples.com. And then number three, for clitoral orgasms, I mean, use a clitoral toy so you can take, for example, I already mentioned the We Vibe Touchex, and it has a so to just describe it, it looks like a skinny computer mouse, sort of, but it’s curved and the tip of it is rounded and firm. So you can definitely use it against the head of the clip. But if they really enjoy clitoral sensations, please, please check out the womanizer toys. All right? It is the original. It’s the gold standard. They have different versions. The Womanizer Premium has kind of all the bells and whistles. I’ve already talked about this multiple times, but it’s Pleasure Air technology, and it feels like a cross between suction, licking, kissing, and vibing and pulsing. And I can’t tell you how many people will stop me and say, oh, I tried the womanizer because you told me and I had the biggest orgasm. Or I finally had an orgasm after I had kids or I had an orgasm after hysterectomy, where I learned to have multiple orgasms. So that technology is really cool for clitoral orgasms.

And I wonder, I haven’t read the entire emails out to you right now, but based on these questions, I know that both of these guys are feeling pressure to be the givers of orgasm. And so I hope that with that pressure, there isn’t resistance to using the tools at your disposal. Because honestly, a toy is an extension of you. It’s not a replacement of you. It doesn’t speak to your own capacity to give and enjoy pleasure. In fact, by virtue of using toys, you’re saying that you care about your partner’s pleasure. And I think it’s really cool. People are willing to use toys have more satisfying sex lives. We know that we have data to confirm that. So don’t be alarmed that I’m saying, hey, here’s how you give a clitoral orgasm. Use this toy. And if you like that technology, but you want something a little slimmer lines, the womanizer toys perhaps are a little bit wider. But if you want something smaller that perhaps is easier to use during intercourse or while you’re going down on your partner, then We Vibe has the same technology. It’s licensed. It’s not stolen. Like a lot of the brands out there, it is the genuine trademarked pleasure technology in the We Vibe Melt. The We Vibe Melt is a beautiful toy. It is Aben abled, and it’s meant to be played bleed with among couples with clitoris or one clitoris, however many clitoris you’ve got in the room. So that’s what I’d say about clitoral orgasms, the stroking and cupping the oral and then a clitoral toy. Could I go on and on? Yes, but you can hear that my voice is struggling. And also, I want to keep this to a manageable amount of information because you don’t have to do it all and you can’t do it all. Now, the last piece that came in and one of these sets of questions had to do with vaginal orgasms. So the last question was, how do I give her a vaginal orgasm? First, I’ll say, please don’t focus on checking off different types of orgasm. There’s no bucket list of types of orgasms because not only is it near impossible, not impossible, sorry. Difficult sometimes to differentiate between types of orgasms because you can stimulate parts of the clitoris during vaginal penetration. So how do we really know what type of orgasm it is? Not only is it difficult to differentiate, but orgasms also aren’t the end all be all okay, so I just want to go back to sure, we can talk about how to have orgasms, but also please explore for pleasure however you define it. If you want to play with a vagina, though, we can talk about that. Number one, I would say if you want to explore vaginal orgasms, don’t get caught up on your penis or strap on. Use your fingers. All right. You don’t want to probe around with your fingers. You’re not like collecting samples for your petri dish. But try, for example, just inserting your thumb to kind of explore the shallow, sensitive part of the vaginal canal. Or as I’ve said before, take your fingers like you’re telling a lie, like cross your fingers and slide them inside while you very gently and centrally rotate from the wrist.

These are all from the courses@happyyourcouples.com or kind of use your hand with some lube to gently rub on the outside with maybe your thumbs on either side. And you can slide your tongue or a toy on the inside. So think about your fingers, think about your toys. And you can also explore the G spots or the G zone. The G zone. Of course, it’s not an anatomical entity, but it is a sensitive area that can be accessed through the vagina along the upper wall. So toward the tummy. So, again, I have a whole podcast on G zones and squirting if you want to go really learn about that in depth. But the short version is kind of just curl two fingers inside and push up toward the tummy wall. Wait till she’s quite aroused before you do this, and you’ll probably feel an area that feels a little bit more textured and ridged than the rest of the canal. So try kind of curling in a come hither motion or gently sweeping from side to side. Sort of like a windshield Wiper, but not big. All right, you’re not trying to clean the area. It’s just like a playful exploratory stimulation. And some people will say that that Gspot stimulation is more intense and more full bodied, especially once you get to orgasms. So if you are going to play with vaginal orgasms, think about the G spot. And again, please don’t ignore vibrations. Like, if you really want to have a vaginal orgasm, play with a toy that curls inside. So the we vibe Nova Two is a really, really good one, because I’ve probably talked about it before, too. So it’s like the advanced rabbit. It’s the rabbit that actually has the research and design behind it. It has this bulbous inserted part, and so it looks big, but it’s not long. It’s just more bulbous and thick, which is really nice for pressure and vibrations against the Gspot. But then the outer arm bends and is flexible to offer pressure and vibrations against the external clitoris. And so when you stimulate both of those nerve pathways, it can create a really overwhelming sensation that people find more pleasurable and exciting, but also really speaks to the fact that we can’t always differentiate between clitoral and vaginal orgasms, because oftentimes you’re going to be stimulating both simultaneously. But definitely think about using a Vibe for vaginal orgasms. Or you could be using your fingers on the inside and just use a vibrator on the outside. So lots of different ways to explore. If when you’re asking about vaginal orgasms, you’re talking about penis in vagina sex, then I would say multiple stimulation again. So if you really want to have you really want to help your partner have an orgasm during PNV sex, you can be having the sex. You got your penis in there and you’re sliding in and out as they do. And then I would think about using your thumb around the head of the clit or reaching down with a vibrating toy or a toy like the Wee vibe melt. Or if you let them get on top, you can let them sort of grind against your pelvic mound a little bit that can feel really good. So again, it may not be like a pure vaginal orgasm because they’d be rubbing against their clitoris, of course. But again, that’s why I just don’t want people to get hung up on the type of orgasm.

Just like the pleasure, the orgasm in and of itself. I say that you don’t have to have an orgasm to enjoy sex, but it’s also okay if you’re a person who likes to have an orgasm to enjoy sex. If you really don’t enjoy sex without the orgasm, that’s totally okay, too. There are no binaries. You must do this. You mustn’t do that. My job, I think, is to share as much information as I can and acknowledge that I don’t have the answers. Right. I don’t know your partner’s body. I’m not going to get to know your partner’s body. People will often ask me like, oh, what should I do when he’s coming? I don’t know how he likes his does he want me to keep sucking? Does he want me to keep stroking? Should I keep moving? Should I back off? And I’m like, I don’t know his penis. Same thing. I don’t know these quotas, so you’ve got to get to know them. So on top of all of these approaches, on top of oral, on top of stroking, on top of toys, on top of fingers, on top of setting the mood, on top of the emotional, the practical and the relational is a communication piece, right? Just continue to talk to your partner about what they’re into and do it without pressure. Do it without expectation. Sometimes people will say to me, oh, well, my partner doesn’t want to talk or they’re not open or they’re really closed up. And that may be the case, but it also may be that the way you’ve approached them doesn’t work for them. Maybe it’s not the right time. Maybe it’s not the right milieu. Maybe they feel pressure when they’re put on the spot. So also look at different ways to talk about what you like sexually. Like, for example, it could be as simple as listening to this podcast and saying, hey, when she said this, that made me feel really uncomfortable. I really wouldn’t like it if you were curling your finger up against my G spot. Cool, right? I don’t have the answers. But if I can start a conversation and have you actually saying, hey, this resonated with me, this didn’t, then you’re much better off, I think, because then you’re having conversations about what specifically works for you.

So I think even just listening to this podcast or other podcasts or reading magazines or watching a TV show and saying, I love the way he interacts with her in that scene, or I hate the way she approaches her girlfriend after work in that way in the living room and keeping that conversation going. And I’ve talked about this before. If you can have those third party bridges to discuss fictional characters or arms length characters I think it can be really valuable. So having said all of this I hope you keep talking about sex I really thank you for sending in your questions I thank you for being here with me today to keep me company since I’m on my lonesome and I’ll remind you that we vibe is giving that 15% off because I told them that I was going to be talking about these toys that I like so make sure you head on over to levive.com and use code doctor Jess to save 15% it is time limited because they don’t keep these codes up for long because they are a premium brand that spends lots of money on research and development and all that jazz so I’m going to stop there. My voice held out thank you so much for being here. We’ll be back next week and I’m sure Brandon will be with me as well which will make some of you very happy except for the few of you who are not happy about but I read your messages. They get forwarded to me. All right folks, wherever you’re at have a great one and I hope your whole week is full of love and and pleasure. You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast improve your sex life. Improve your life.

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